Living in my Backyard
by Aanya F Niaz
The cloth you made, is not a cloth you can sell.
This visage you host was not decided upon by you, neither did you choose to add a wrinkle at a certain age or grow a grey hair. Whatever the reality, you call it life; the general proceeding of time and it’s impacts on any given human being. It’s been categorized as the evolution of man. What is most intriguing is that the name, face and personal traits afforded to us are what we are held accountable for. Funny thing is, we never decided to possess such traits. Perhaps she wants to be softer, gentler and kinder and he wants to be faster at running and melodramatic with his words. But no, that is not what is naturally within them. Surely they can aspire for such characteristics and to a certain extent, even abound them into their nature. However, the core, comprising of whatever personality type you are, was what we were born with and surely much of that was socialized and a little sensitivity became abundant in you and a knowledgeable personality was termed as overbearing. We are often blamed for our ways, especially within a social environment and our actions are instantly deemed a natural response.
There are two questions that come to mind at this point. First, at what age do we truly begin to account for our characteristics and personality? Is there a certain age after, which we have become aware of the world and whatever changes we would like to make in ourselves? Or isn’t that an ongoing process, one even death cannot quite solve for us. The second question is why most of us do not delve deeper into our internal souls and acknowledge our traits as our own, before trying to change them or even defend them? If we do not know the facts of the story, why are we selling our story to the world already?
Surely my mind has been idle to the extent that such thoughts have frequented in my way. In a way, it’s an epiphany. For countless years, the struggle has been to mold, belittle, exaggerate our change our ways without knowing our ways. I didn’t sit perched atop a mountain and make a list of traits I would like to possess, in fact, it has been upon hearing others’ perceptions and stories of my childhood that have created an almost fiction-like character with my name! What is the truth behind all of this; before I begin to question myself and the way I project myself, it’s pertinent to be in sync with my desires and hunches. We all have hunches! However, it’s a fast-paced and seductive race amongst mankind, to be one kind of person rather than the other. Who decided what personality should be kept on a pedestal, only God knows but I suppose this is a rant to acknowledge your inner instincts and the humanity within before projecting it to the world that surrounds us. This probably even includes parents. We often grant them doubtless credibility when hearing tales of our mischievous bachpan, but what their eyes saw and what they perceived is not necessarily what took place and children can’t communicate as well as adults in the typical “language” fashion, so most isn’t understood or known about our childhoods; it’s only what we are told after and upon hearing, one tends to delve into changing habits and such. Wait a second. Let’s take a step back and take it easy, take your foot off the accelerator and figure out where you’re directed to, perhaps you’re already in the right place with yourself.
I will not deny that during my school years I was rather hyper; excited with brimming energy, wanting to adopt pranks and rebellion as the norm. Something changed, I don’t quite know what, that inculcated a taste for knowledge in the later years and I began to thoroughly immerse in books, fiction and non-fiction alike. Where ever I am today, with my thirst for knowledge, I can’t account it to a singular experience or incident; perhaps a series of experiences. At this point though, yes, I can account for who I am and the characteristics I possess, but that does not mean I have it all figured out; or that everything I will do or say is in sync with who I want to be tomorrow. In my imperfection there is perfection, in the current time and location. That’s why it’s human to make mistakes. Because we’re this person and we don’t know everything about this person, therefore at times reactions and actions are judged prematurely because at that time, perhaps we ourselves did not realize we would delve into a behavior that we chose.
I don’t presume there is a certain age where we acquire wholesome knowledge of our being; it’s an indefinite process with no finite definitions. However, the moment you realize that there is so much you can discover about yourself, the more validity you give to your erroneous ways; the more you begin to be amused by yourself. You are out of your body, watching yourself act and perhaps in retrospect you would not have wanted to act that way, but now you can add this know-how to what you “do” know about yourself. Golly, this is turning out to be quite layered and perhaps even mundane. But.. Do you catch my drift?
All we can believe and host faith in is the creativity of our minds and souls. We can achieve amusement by using our body as an instrument, to delegate actions and thoughts. Who is the world and who are these people? Who knows, but what you do know is, you don’t know yourself. And as we all know, in the end, we all float on alright.
We have the ability to dream, and when we dream, we aspire for a surreal version of reality and if you stay there long enough, who knows, you might never wake up. And there, in the land of poetic ecstacy, everything does not make sense and nothing is what it needs to be, and in the land of imprecision, you can surrender yourself to the nothingness of who you are and be everything you desire to be.